FIVE - No Pee on Plants

Ron had a Taiwanese girlfriend named Sunny. She was one of three teaching assistants named Sunny working at his school. When registering their children for English school, parents are encouraged to choose new English names for their offspring. Many of them choose the only English words they know - words for the weather, names of flowers, or movie characters. As a result, the classes end up with a student roll call of: Sunny, Shiny, Rose, Lily, Snoopy and Batman. Sunny is a popular name because it also implies a pleasant disposition.

Sunny’s parents were probably hoping for the best when they named their daughter. She was probably the most disagreeable person I had met in Taiwan up until that moment - constantly whining for attention, money, gifts or a night out on the town, I found her very difficult to be around.

The other thing that made me cringe was Sunny’s penchant for screaming. There wasn’t a set of earplugs in the world that could block out her over-dramatized cries of ecstasy.

Ron bought Sunny a tee-shirt one day and told her she looked really good in it. The shirt had “eat, sleep, shop, fuck make happy wife” emblazoned across the front. I asked her if she knew what it meant, and Sunny said no, she didn’t. “It’s not very nice,” I explained.

“Ron said it’s a funny shirt. Maybe you too dumb to get joke,” Sunny snarked...so I let her wear it. 

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Special to the Kemptville Advance
October 2004

I think it is fair to say that it is rare to see an English sign or notation in Taiwan that has been written correctly, without any errors in grammar or spelling. They are at times shocking, confusing and amusing.

It was explained to me that these mistakes occur because the Asians will print words that they think are ‘close enough’ to the intended meaning. They also find the English alphabet a bit confusing, as the ‘b’ looks suspiciously like a ‘d’ and the letter ‘p’ is just a ‘q’ turned around.

If the writer can’t decide between two like words, he just uses both of them and if he runs out of room on the sign or label he just takes a few words off. Close enough.

This is how we end up with bath products that promise: “a happy joyful sweet and smelling relax life”; or a face cream that warns “not to put eyes”.

It has become quite fashionable in North America to wear t-shirts with Chinese characters printed on them. The calligraphy is beautifully artistic, and the style is trendy. But can you read those symbols on your chest? Do you know what message they are proclaiming to the world?

Now transfer that way of thinking to the Asian point of view. Young people in Taiwan love to wear anything with English printing on it, whether it makes sense or not. They wear t-shirts with groupings of English letters such as: “mendtl hppay tooka nuf” and the like. At first glance, it appears to be a word scramble game. One wonders if it actually means something in another language.

Some slogans use actual words but they are put together in the strangest couplings and worn by people who are blissfully ignorant of their meaning: “puppy lazy cute girl” was on a man’s t-shirt and “don’t mess bathing ape” was on a grandma.

The f-word is such a recognizable component of American slang that many Asians will buy an item of clothing just because it features this extremely popular piece of vocabulary. Middle-aged women driving flashy cars can be seen sporting obscene slogans, quite often paired with an image of Christ or the Pope for added effect. They wear these t-shirts with diamond-studded Yves Saint Laurent sunglasses, stiletto heels and Gucci jeans to go shopping on Saturdays.

Stores and cafes employ creative English in their signage as well. One clothing store in the Chungsiao district of Taipei is named something that I would never consider putting in print (it employs the aforementioned f-word in the maternal sense). Many of the signs are downright confusing and misleading. Take a quick look at the following business names and try to guess what they are selling: “LoverHouse”; “Chocolate & Love”; “Wanko”; “LoveSexMoney”; and “Cheeky Girls”. Only one of them is a strip club. The rest are bars and clothing stores.

The clothing store “X-Large” doesn’t carry anything bigger than a size medium and I have no idea what is sold at “Orange Music Motion” – but I’m told it’s neither fruit nor tunes.

The website www.engrish.com is a lighthearted look at English signs and slogans in Asia. Some of the messages featured may seem offensive (be forewarned) but they are actual photographs of things that people have seen in their travels.

The movie “Lost in Translation” featuring Bill Murray is a pretty accurate rendition of the Asian experience for a foreigner. One must remember to pack their sense of humor and keep it at the ready.

There are various tourist attractions, museums and monuments in Taipei marked with bilingual plaques.

One would think that if the powers-that-be were going to bother printing English on these officious-looking banners, they would ensure that the spelling and grammar were correct. Instead, we have: “no chew betel nut and gums on train” in the subway system (brings to mind someone who forgot to put in their false teeth) and “don’t to touching our glass” in the Presidential Memorial Hall (I wouldn’t think of it!).

Some signage can be downright confusing to a foreigner, such as the “please not put anythings in the close-stool” message in the washroom at my friend’s office. And would you want to eat in a restaurant that has a “please infuse after vomit” sign above the bathroom sink??

I saw a message in a boutique recently that notified shoppers, “anyone seen lifting will be called the police” (without even attending the academy first?).

If I may offer a piece of advice to the less than confident writers of these bilingual signs, it would be to ‘keep it simple’. Despite the grammatical errors, the message is pretty clear on a sign that is posted in the local park. It says, “no pee on plants”.